and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
