If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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