My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
this hospital has no fireball
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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