just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
