Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
