there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
