I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
worst night to have a conscience
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
