i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
