I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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