My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You are a genius and a whore.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
