I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
