im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
