I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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