Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
