If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
