So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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