the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
