I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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