We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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