WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
