If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
