dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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