i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize