bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
