Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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