My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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