I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
