your parents love me but you hate me
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
