You smell like a Billy Joel song
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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