If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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