So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize