I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
