If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
