Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Pants are for mortals
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
