Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
