is your mom at the bar?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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