yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
