Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize