You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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