Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
