the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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