He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
