Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
