dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
