Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
