**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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