Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
