closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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