I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
