I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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