my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
