i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
