do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
