i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
