Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
