Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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