you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
