mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
