i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just want nice things and good sex
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
