I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
