No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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