I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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