Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
