Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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