I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
tell me about the eggs
Randomize