My liver just broke up with me...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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